Striking-Jaguar3348 writes: My wife and I have two kids who are both in daycare. My wife takes the morning shift, which includes getting the kids up, preparing breakfast, and taking them to daycare. I handle the night shift, which involves picking up the kids from daycare, making dinner, and starting to get them ready for bed. Usually, she gets home around 6:30-7:00, and the whole family has about 30 minutes together before the kids' bedtime. We usually spend this time reading to them. She has to travel an hour+ (depending on traffic) to work each way. The kids are dropped off at daycare at 8 in the morning, and I pick them up around 4. I work from home, starting around 7 and ending around 3-3:30. The issue is around breakfast. We agreed that I would make dinner each night, and she would handle breakfast. She already makes food for the kids, so it's literally just making an extra portion of what she is already making. For the past month, she will either not make it at all for me or not tell me when it is done (I have asked her to just give a general time, but she keeps switching up the schedule). One day, they are eating at 7 in the morning and then getting dressed; other days, she is giving them toast before getting into the car. I have talked to her multiple times and explained that it is not considerate. We got into an argument, and she told me I am home, so I should just make my own food. I explained that I may be home, but I am doing my job. Yesterday, she didn't make anything, and I had enough. When she came home, I didn't make her anything for dinner. When she asked why, I told her she is home and can make her own food. This started a huge argument, and she called me a jerk. I have the kids more than her, she has them for an hour in the morning and I have them for 2-3 every night. Also everyone saying. Don't know the stress of the morning shift. I have literally done it for 2 years. She is the one that wanted the morning shift because of her schedule
OP provided a little more context:
Here are the top comments:
Reasonable-Sale8611 says:
I think the problem here is that in the morning there is a deadline. She has to get to work on time, and with an hour commute, there is some variability due to traffic. So, her priority in the morning will be speed.
At night, it's different because you won't get fired if you don't get the kids to bed on time. There's just less pressure there. (Of course, we all want the kids in bed early, but it's not the same level of pressure as needing to keep one's job.)
The other factor is that you are thinking of the kids as consistent units of work. That's not the case. Kids in the morning can be very variable to manage. They don't really want to go to daycare or school, so they misbehave. So you can't just say, "Wake up at 7, make breakfast at 7:25, leave the house by 8 am," because the children don't agree.
One day, you give them breakfast at 7:25 and leave by 8 am. Another day, you give them breakfast at 7:25, and you are still chasing them around the house trying to make them sit still and put their shoes on at 8 am.
Again, it's different at night because if they don't put on their pajamas, all that happens is you have a little less time to Netflix and chill. It's also easier to get their pajamas on because they WANT you to read them a book, whereas they DON'T want to go to daycare, school, etc.
By you getting kid duty at the less time-pressured part of the day, you are getting the better end of the deal. You also work from home, so you don't have to contend with the uncertainty of the commute to keep your job.
By the same token, if she has an hour commute in each direction while you work from home, and you each do 8.5 hours of paid work each day, then your total workday is 8.5 hours whereas hers is
10.5 hours. So, if you are being very precise about who spends how much time taking care of kids, then you are also being a bit sneaky to exclude her long commute from the calculation. Also, how hard is it to make yourself some toast or cereal in the five minutes before you saunter over to your computer and log in to work?
Hopeful-Material4123 says:
I think a different arraignment needs to be made. Because if she has to get all the kids ready for daycare, cook them food, make it on time to the daycare AND get to work on time...I am sorry but make your own breakfast, dude.
She has a large commute, and I am sure a busy day at work. Everyone is busy, I know. But that is part of life with kids. She would have more time perhaps to get you breakfast if you helped wrangle the kids. I do not think it is unreasonable for you to help more with breakfast if you do not leave the house.
Your comment to her was childish. Your wife is doing a lot just by the sound of this post. Maybe ask her how you can help instead of becoming an extra child.
Infiniteland98765 says:
My God what a sh%t show. First of all, I'm a father of 2 who also WFH for a while and now has a wife who WFH while I'm full-time in office. A tit for tat relationship is never going to work, either you do it as a team or you don't do it at all.
Pretending you can't make your own breakfast because ''you are doing your job'' is obviously stupid. You wfh, I'm sure you can find 5 minutes in your oh so busy morning schedule to make your own breakfast. You're conveniently ignoring her commute and the time pressure she is under in the morning while you're not in the evening.
You WFH, you can do a little more. Just like my wife who WFH does a little more now and just how I did a little more when I WFH, because my life was a lot less stressful without the commute and constant time pressure. I mean this with the utmost respect, but you sound impossible to deal with. I feel bad for your wife.
What do you think?
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