“Mom, can I watch something?” My son is 9 and I hear this question constantly. For now, his interest in screens centers on piano tutorials and Pokémon. Recently, though, he started getting interested in TikTok — we’ve “perfected” a dance or two together and recorded them without posting. Though he’s a brilliantly smart and grounded pre-teen, I know none of those attributes are any protection when it comes to the combination of adolescent changes and peer pressure that will explode inside our home in the next few years.
In this era of social media, where many teens connect primarily online and the virtual world beckons, I’m afraid that one day soon I might lose him to his phone and all its addictive offerings. Is there a way parents like me can start taking action against this now, before our kids even have phones or social media accounts?
Turns out, there is, and it’s all about by working to develop healthy and strong habits of connection with our children. I talked with Yshai Boussi, licensed professional counselor and author of Staying Connected With Your Teen, as well as two parents of teens, to get their inside tips on what we can do to prepare ourselves and our kids.
Teach emotional literacy and prioritize family communication
The two most foundational skills that pre-teens can learn are emotional literacy and family communication, Boussi says. Emotional literacy “can be as simple as naming feeling words like, sad, scared, hurt, overwhelmed, shame,” he notes. “In lieu of a consequence, consider sitting down with your child to practice naming feelings and identifying alternative responses.”
Starting at a young age, family communication is also of critical importance. We’ve noticed that our 9-year-old doesn’t do well with grounding, timeouts and punishments, which, Boussi says, is the same for teens. Though consequences and limits are important, “it’s about helping them build empathy, self-control, relationship skills, and resilience,” he stresses.
Boussi says that three interventions can be implemented when pre-teens and teens make mistakes: engage them in conversation about what happened (choosing a time when things are calm), allow for natural consequences (e.g. if they wake up late, allow them to face the repercussions of arriving to school tardy) and modify expectations. Often, when teens slip up, that’s a sign that they’re not ready for a responsibility so adjusting what you ask of them can help.
Learn more than teach
Listening and learning with pre-teens is key. “When we approach our kids with humility and thoughtfulness along with clear boundaries and expectations,” he says, “we gain credibility, build connection and keep our kids safe.” Boussi adds that parenting teens can be incredibly triggering for some parents with unresolved trauma issues from their own childhoods. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me in this regard.
Take note of when and if social media is replacing an important activity
Developmental pediatrician Damon Korb, M.D., F.A.A.P., teaches that teens and pre-teens should be taught that the need-to-dos come before the want-to-dos. It actually benefits their executive functioning as they get older. “it will be difficult to convince [a] child that their social media use is a problem,” he says.
“I recommend [parents] shift the discussion to the things that they need to do. The need-to-do’s for a pre-teen include taking care of their health — exercise, sleep, nutrition — hygiene, homework, household chores and being social. The time spent doing these things will limit time spent on electronics.”
Understand the positive sides of social media, as well as the negative
“I wish I had understood how much social media is woven into the texture of their lives, and that there are positive elements to it beyond the more obvious negatives,” says Guy Dillinger, an LA-based parent to two teenagers. Boussi notes that teens say that some benefits of social media include “connection with friends, connecting with others who share their identity and experience, a place to learn and gather news and information, a source of entertainment and fun.”
But looking back, Dillinger wishes he had known how to add parental controls easily from the beginning. Boussie notes that parental controls are best for younger kids as they can erode trust with high schoolers because they can outsmart their parents. He suggests sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with budding social media users, talking about content together, checking a middle schooler’s phone and not just depending on apps for parental controls.
Teach kids discernment as it pertains to what is healthy and not healthy on social media
“It’s important to teach kids how to be mindful, to breathe, to appreciate nature,” Dillinger says. “Give them the tools to know how to detach when they are feeling bad.”
Kids need to learn that social media is a projection, not reality. Tamika Gabriel, a New Jersey parent of one teenager, wishes she knew how prevalent predators are on social media and how addictive it could be, as well as how it can affect teens’ self-esteem. Gabriel reminds her daughter that “most people are pretending [on social media] so never feel pressure to live up to any of what you see.”
Gabriel also frequently tells her daughter that predators can appear as so-called friends. “I warn her about catfishing and never ever meeting someone you meet online or giving them any personal information about yourself or your family,” she says. They should learn what is real and what might actually be intentionally misleading.
One study showed that more than half of American kids ages 10 to 18 can’t spot fake news online, and another found that 80% of middle schoolers couldn’t tell the difference between an ad and a news story. Since the teen years are the ones where kids start to believe in conspiracy theories, researchers found, this kind of media literacy is essential.
And kids should also learn how to recognize when social media makes them feel bad. “Teach them the self-awareness to recognize when the ugly feelings arise — comparison, self-disgust, etc. — and to make the empowered choice to put [their phones] down,” Dillinger says “Teach them that there is love and care at home.” Making sure they know they are deeply loved offline is important. In a 2024 survey by the Pew Research Center, 74% of teens in this country report feeling happier when they’re away from their phones. It’s on us parents to help our kids find balance.
Set and model healthy boundaries around phones from as young as possible
Our kids need to see us have healthy relationships with our devices. I am the first to admit that I’m glued to my phone most of the day for work and, to be quite honest, sometimes it’s hard to detach even when the kids are home. My son once told me, “Mom, put your phone down. I’m putting my iPad down so you put your phone down.” Setting limits can be a family goal.
If possible, wait until high school to give your kid their first smartphone
Both parents I spoke to and Boussi agree that waiting until high school, if you can, is best. New York University social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, in his new book, The Anxious Generation, says it’s best to wait until after 16 to give your kids social media.
This doesn’t mean that your kid can’t have fun on social media under your supervision on your phone. But, as U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy advises, unsupervised time on social media should wait until they’re a bit older. (He says at least 14.)
Staying connected to your kids is about quality time that includes their interests
Boussi recommends that fun should be prioritized with your kids and that teens shockingly want to spend time with their parents. “Teens often tell me that they’d be up for spending more time with their parents and the only reason they avoid them is because it often feels like their time together always turns into some kind of life lesson or stressful interaction,” he says. “As my daughter often reminds me, ‘it’s not that deep.’”
Gabriel says her family connects through mommy/daughter and daddy/daughter dates and through vacationing as a family. Creating situations where social media and screens are simply not available is also key. Consider setting aside a few hours on the weekend to go hiking together or simply to do something you all enjoy, phone-free. It’s also okay if your kid gets grumpy or complains! Setting guidelines for them is part of your job.
The most important thing is for our kids to “experience us modeling joy” with them, Boussi adds. Center joy, connection and communication in your relationship with your pre-teen and they’re more likely to be grounded in these attributes as they grow older. It’s a tough road ahead but us parents hold incredible power to help our kids develop healthy relationships with social media so that, when put to the test, they make wise decisions that benefit them in the long run.
