The crew watch the education short "The Home Economics Story (1951)." In "The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957)," viking women set sail to rescue a group of enslaved men. Joel and the Bots consider the waffle and present an iron that can turn waffles into pancakes.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
♪ In the not too distant future
♪ Next Sunday A.D.
♪ There was a guy named Joel
♪ Not too different
from you or me
♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute
♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit
♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place
♪ But his bosses didn't like him
♪ So they shot him into space
♪ We'll send him cheesy movies
♪ The worst we can find
♪ La la la
♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all
♪ And we'll monitor his mind
♪ La la la
♪ Now keep in mind
Joel can't control
♪ Where the movies begin or end
♪ La la la
♪ Because he used
those special parts
♪ To make his robot friends
♪ Robot roll call
♪ Cambot, pan left
♪ Gypsy, hi girl
♪ Tom Servo, what a cool guy
♪ Croooow, he's a wisecracker
♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♪ And other science facts
♪ La la la
♪ Then repeat to
yourself, it's just a show
♪ I should really just relax
♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000
(doors slamming)
Hey, hi, welcome to
the Satellite of Love.
I'm Joel Robinson.
These are my robots.
I want you to consider
the lowly waffle.
Joel, it's lunch time, buddy.
I'd rather have a Manwich
or a baloney sandwich.
Oh, nonsense, Tom.
Anytime is the right
time for waffles.
Joel, I think
the butter slipped
off your stack of
waffles, buddy.
- Are you feeling okay?
- Sure.
Commercial sign
in 15 seconds.
What are you making
there, partner?
I'm making waffles and
save room, magic voice.
- I made plenty.
- I'll say.
Consider the waffle
as a fine and suitable
alternative to
stuffing or potatoes.
Because after all, what
are waffles but batter?
And what's batter
but chopped up grain.
You know there's tons of
stuff you can do with waffles.
You can take some
peanut butter and syrup,
and make a waffle sandwich.
Or wrap the hot dog in a waffle
- and garnish with ketchup.
- Ugh!
There's tons you can do.
(groaning)
Or maybe some Swiss cheese...
Five, four, three,
two, commercial sign out.
Beans are always good...
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
Well, I like to
put chili on mine,
for a real south of
the border treat.
- And if you're really into it,
- No...
Take some waffle batter
and mix it with milk,
and you've got a waffle shake.
But don't tell the kids
it's good for them.
Or a delicious spinach waffle
with tangy ricotta cheese.
Joel, the mad
scientists are calling.
I've got plenty for them too.
I'll get it.
Well, Aunt Jemima,
this time you've really
stepped off the deep end.
Frank?
Do you shred
the Swiss cheese,
or just slice it really thin?
Frank, this time I'm
really going to hurt you.
I understand.
Why don't you go and get
this weeks invention
exchange, alright?
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
You've been very kind to me.
Frank, you have no clue.
Well, Aunt Jemima,
our invention
exchange this week,
has to do with meat.
Frank?
Well, you know recently,
I've become a vegetarian.
And it's worked
out great, really.
You know, the other day my colon
looked up at me and
said, Frank, thank you.
I said, no thank you.
But now what am I gonna do with
all the meat I have
stored in freezers?
I figured, hey, why not
bring the meat back to life?
That's right,
that's why we've
invented the meat re-animator.
Hook it up Frank.
Clear!
(zapping)
It's alive! Alive!
My corn-fed, Minnesota
chicken is alive!
You know, I thought
this was a good idea.
But this is one weird mama-jama.
What do you
think, Garrick Utley?
Chicken waffles?
Oh, you're weird.
Which results in creativity.
Which results in my
latest invention exchange.
It's a very literal
interpretation of
the old waffle iron.
Let's say you love
traditional waffles,
but you like the
classic simplistic
styling of the old pancake.
No problem.
Just douse it with a little
Mrs. Butterworth spray starch.
- (coughing)
- Like that.
Okay, cover with a
cloth to avoid burns.
- Mm-hmm.
- And iron.
- Say...
- Hey...
And?
Gee, it turns an ordinary
waffle into a flat waffle.
And clean-up's a breeze.
What do you think, sirs?
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Dear god, what have I done?
What the heck is
going on up there?
Hey, Frank, will
these work on waffles?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, Joel,
today's experiment
is a little piece of
slime from Roger Corman,
called Viking Women
and the Sea Serpent.
But first, a little
lesson in home economics.
Here's a waffle
for you, scarecrow.
(alarm buzzing)
(everyone panicking)
(doors grinding and slamming)
I just like
waffles, that's all.
Carried away, I'd say.
(whimsical music)
Titles by Frederick's
of Hollywood.
Iowa State College, the
high school after high school.
(peaceful music)
Psst! Carol, got any shovies?
I was boring until
I got my toning perm.
If I had joined the FFA
my life would be complete.
I'd till the soil,
I'd bail some hay,
- and make some--
- Wow, quite a hair-do
on that gal in the middle.
Kay probably can't
remember the day or the date.
All she remembers is that she
was sitting in the study hall.
With a loaded gun.
Alice was going to town
on her physics assignment.
Go Alice, go!
And Frank...
Well, he was busy with
his regular routine.
Mm-hmm.
It was just the
usual sort of day.
I think I'll get a tattoo.
Or was it?
She was eating cubes
of mescaline Jello.
There's the bell
for an assembly.
Like Pavlov's dogs they
salivate at the sound of a bell.
This one was
for the girls only.
- Ohh...
- Oh!
Nothing too
unusual about that.
The Chippendales
were in town.
Kay found a seat.
Her favorite, right
next to the aisle.
In case she barfs.
She's got a tender tummy.
Whoa, that one.
Your period and
mine, a lecture.
Hmm?
Hmm?
Hello, am I on?
Is this thing on?
You wanna look at that, Helen?
Today, I'd like to tell you
about several girls
I know very well.
And why I'm being fired.
I took several heavy blows to
the cheeks with a lead pipe.
Were wondering,
just as you are,
what they would do after
completing high school.
Let's start with Eveline,
who went on to college,
where she took a course
in home economics.
Now she's a
tea room manager--
Hey her voice changed.
Thousands of
people who eat out,
are her daily customers.
You might see her
talking to the hostess
and never guess she's
really the boss.
Shut up, Grandma,
you're lucky to have a job.
Behind the scene,
she's the one who
makes the final check.
And adds that extra touch.
Of Salmonella.
Ooh, waffles.
Kay thought she would
like that sort of work.
Kay was wrong.
She could see herself
at the center of a world,
made up of large
ovens and mixers--
And large
white-haired ladies.
Manned by professional cooks.
Gee, what would Mom think
of a grocery list like this?
She'd laugh.
For any woman training in
institution management though,
it's just like planning
the family dinner.
That's right I said
a full case of vodka.
Then one day Kay fiddled
with accounts payable,
took a long drive
into the country
and got cabin A,
at the Bates Motel.
And this is Joanne.
In high school, she always
helped decorate for the parties.
She liked it.
- She still decorates.
- For Bozo.
Gets good pay
now for doing it.
An applied art major
in home economics
helped her develop this ability.
Kay couldn't resist daydreaming
herself into this kind of job.
Folks would look to her to
help them make a wise choice.
She would be asked to
go out on appointments,
to help people plan
lovelier homes.
Ah, the swatches for
the ponchos I ordered.
The speaker told of
other girls she knew.
- I'm huge.
- Real girls, in real jobs.
Good jobs. Interesting jobs.
Well paid, too.
And every one had taken her
training in home economics.
Including Chad.
Some had specialized
in foods and nutrition.
Others in education,
and clothing, also--
- Gee, slow down!
- Child development--
- God!
- Rock our film...
Applied art,
institution management,
- Save us.
- Journalism.
Home economics is all
of this and more, too.
Damn.
For instance...
Carol, who is now
Mrs. Bill Johnson,
took a general home
economics course.
I don't want my wife working.
Get me a beer. (burping)
Professional employment but,
one which fitted her,
for that very important
career of being Mrs. Johnson.
(booing)
Kay's home would be like this.
A dungeon.
Mmm.
Now what the hell is that?
She was glad that
her college training
had prepared her so
well for home life.
How much did that cost?
Well, bring it back.
You must let me dress you.
Can I have a feel too?
Many times, she
didn't even realize
that she was using some of the
knowledge that she'd gained.
And that her knowledge
meant so much to her family.
That's her husband
Jerry, with his new car.
(whispering) Escape. Escape.
It wasn't hard for
Alice to return to reality.
- She just went cold-turkey.
- But, as for Kay,
- Kay, psst!
- Well...
Making a dream come true,
often depends on a
very little thing.
Window pane.
Hmm, let's see.
Day after day she had--
Hmm, Our Bodies Ourselves,
The Bell Jar, oh here it is.
Ghetto Freaks, there it is.
Of course, there were
things she would have to do.
Apply for admission,
study the courses and...
- Drinking.
- Oh, yes.
What would Mom and Dad say?
Who knows, they
only speak German.
There was only one way
to find out, ask them.
This was important.
She realized that now, even
before they said anything.
- She's loaded.
- You could tell that Mom
and Dad knew it
was important too.
College for Kay
would mean sacrifices
- for Mom and Dad.
- Human sacrifices.
Would it be
worth the sacrifice?
(peaceful music)
She consulted
Robert McNamara.
And Ayn Rand.
Do it, sis!
Dear Dean Johnson, I
couldn't really begin to--
So, this was the
important day in Kay's life.
And it was late at night,
when she finally recopied the
letter, for the last time.
I quiver at the
touch of your--
She got a real thrill out of
dropping that letter in the box.
(laughing)
Be cool. Be cool.
(laughing)
Come on, be cool, just...
Oh, that's good. Now
let's get out of here.
It's here already!
Oh, shoot! I mailed
it to myself.
Waiting for a
reply was harder.
It's from Ed McMahon.
It says I already
may be a winner!
Yay!
She had months to go,
but she just couldn't wait
to get out of that
stifling home-life.
(exciting music)
Dear, why are you packing
your father's things?
So, this is college.
So, this is Pod City Vo-Tech.
Will have a homey look.
Now it was a bit bewildering.
Wonder where the
tennis courts are.
Where would her room be?
Who would be her friends?
Who would be
her blood-enemies?
Wonder if she'd ever
know her way around here.
What secret societies
would she join?
Would she smoke
thin black cigarettes
and reject The Triune God?
Well, here's the dorm-mother,
affectionately
known as Horse Face.
(horse sounds)
You lost the draw.
You'll be rooming
with the Ice Queen.
At first it looks bare
and not very friendly.
Who? Her roommate?
Hmm, smells like
high-grade weed in here.
We'll make a loft out of some
railroad ties, under the bed,
a Special Export light
in the window, and--
But with new
curtains and bedspread,
it doesn't take long to
give it a homey feeling,
and a bit of college atmosphere.
I've got a feeling
Mom majored in
home economics at Iowa State.
(humming)
Before you know it, it's
time for the folks to leave.
In all her dreams about college,
Kay had never
included the moment
when Dad and Mom said goodbye,
when she would be on her own.
See you in four
years. Don't call.
A friend always, love Dad.
Thank god there was
no physical contact.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, Dad, no, no.
Well, just leave then!
Forget you! I never loved you!
(blubbering)
Poor kid.
Now she'll race down to the
Jean-Luc Godard festival
at the campus theater.
(singing) I'm so alone,
I don't know what to do.
I look at you and
I go out of focus.
Why does she have a picture of
John Carradine on
her nightstand?
(whispering) That's
Mom. That's Mom.
Oh, will you ever
accept my Marxist ways?
Arrived just when she did.
Oh, hi, how you doing?
We're gonna have a great time.
We're gonna be pals!
The usual things.
And while they were talking...
Two of the ripest
tomatoes in town strolled in.
Hi, you got a bong?
Four girls, Kay and
Jean, Helen and Louise.
- The group.
- For the next four years,
they will see a
lot of each other.
(chuckling)
Come on, they just met.
Most of their experiences
will be shared with each other.
Kegs will be tapped.
Men will be used.
They're strangely drawn
to this mystic fountain.
The first stroll, with
its first impressions.
Thank goodness for
Head and Shoulders.
They stopped at
the same places.
Three coins in a fountain.
They looked at
the same scenes.
They did the same things
that many had done before.
There was sameness.
College, with its new
friendships, its old traditions.
- (snoring)
- By the end of freshman week,
they had begun to feel that
this college was their very own.
They started by taking over
the administration building.
Off the pigs. Off the pigs.
How do you solve a
problem like a college girl.
Early October,
headed for an eight o'clock
class in home-ec hall.
Tragedy struck.
A lone gunman...
(mock gun sounds)
Here's the
young Judy Chicago.
It helped to build up a
knowledge of the beauty--
Don't sit down! (laughing)
Surprising, how
everyone can make such
interesting, original designs.
While Kay struggles
with basic motor-skills.
Ooh.
And this study of design
and color, wasn't all theory.
Jean and Helen learned to
apply it in their class,
on costume design and selection.
Is that a real poncho
or a Sears poncho?
Watch those Huskies.
All the classes
seemed to fit together.
I love this one, watch this.
Even the physics class
was what a girl would like.
Would you come in here,
I need you. (laughing)
It was about
physics in the home.
This course helps
you to understand
just what makes things run.
Then in household equipment,
you could study
the practical side.
The use of an appliance...
Being treated
like an appliance.
In turn there were courses
in foods and nutrition,
where you also learn the why...
- This is phlegm.
- As well as the how.
This is mucus.
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
Hey, it's the
Woodstock of the 50's.
Vic Damone's on next.
Play Whipping Post! Woo!
Saturday afternoon,
football time.
I'm a Q-tip. What are you?
You were there with
all the spirit you had,
for your high school team
and maybe a little more.
Look! Look!
Look at my crotch!
Look at my crotch!
Look at my crotch!
Look! Look! Look at my crotch!
Looooooook! Look at my crotch!
Yay!
And afterwards,
you met the gang.
And you really got slammed,
then apologized all day Monday.
Hey there's Neal Cassady.
I didn't know he
went to college.
- Only for chicks.
- Oh.
Hiya, Tank.
Hats off to Ray, the
whimsical lampshade.
After such an occasion,
the girls got together for
their usual gab session.
For a time, they talked
of the events of the day.
But then, Kay came up with
that all-important question.
How do Pop-Tarts work?
What are you going
to major in, Helen?
Oh, you know me.
Best cook to come
out of Foods 204.
I'm going to take
Foods and Nutrition.
Really, I am.
I'm gonna marry
a lighthouse keeper.
I want to be a dietitian.
Right, you're
gonna be a short-order
cook for truckers in two years.
Wish I could make
up my mind that easy.
What are you gonna take, Jean?
I'm gonna take Bob
for everything he's got.
I like to work with
fabrics, beautiful clothes--
Hey look, it's
Lou Costello in drag.
Department stores...
I'd like to go
along with you.
But I don't know yet
whether I want to
work for a household
appliance company,
or whether to go
on with my artwork.
Oh, these are the kind of
problems you want to have.
Do you know what
I'm going to do?
I'm going to teach.
Cause I can't do.
Kay went to chat
with her adviser.
- She learned about--
- You wanna what?
Opportunities, things
she'd never thought of before.
Listen to the flowers.
They will tell
you sweet secrets.
High school teaching,
nursery school work, for those
who like very small children.
And for medium sized
kids, go to a middle school.
And teaching farm families.
Would teaching be her career?
Or would it be the
business world,
with its glamorous
commercial jobs?
And low-paying temp jobs.
Would it be
public service field?
Perhaps a hospital dietitian?
Or research, with its
look to the future?
Yes, there would be all
sorts of interesting careers,
- and best of all--
- Hey look, it's Prince!
(laughing) That's
his royal badness,
when he was still a
chubby little white kid.
See him up there, in purple?
- Oh, mm-hmm that's a reach.
- I'm sorry.
College is a timeless period.
One year passes into
another, very quickly.
- Soon you die.
- It's good to be back.
At the beginning of
your junior year,
things seem pretty
much the same.
But this is the year--
The National
Guardsman were on campus.
In your chosen field.
Helen, learning to be
a hospital dietitian,
must be able to plan and
serve inviting meals.
Plenty of butter, pile
it on, good hospital food.
Plan well enough to
fit a doctors orders,
and serve them attractively--
Oh, please don't
eat the daisies.
Mmm, square eggs.
She'll also have the problem
of feeding large
numbers of people.
And her fat brother-in-law.
That calls for
quantity cookery,
so you'll find her in classes
in institution management.
For quality cookery,
use the Makery Bakery.
Louise, who has her
eye on a commercial
career in household equipment,
is rapidly becoming a
technician in her own field.
Wiring bombs.
The technical comparisons
she is making now--
Are completely off-base.
Firsthand advice on the
selection of home appliances.
Her knowledge of efficient
operation will be passed along--
She could never
be an engineer.
Don't make me laugh. Ha!
Now cough.
Jean was just as busy
in textiles and clothing.
Ah, very attractive awning.
The world of fabrics and
of fashions will be hers.
Here, she designs pants
for Chuckles the clown.
Perhaps she'll be
designing the clothing
you see pictured in
fashion magazines.
Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps she'll
be the person who
thought up the patterns
you will buy at the store.
It's possible.
Perhaps she will
show you how you can
create beautiful
clothes for yourself.
Or help you chose
them at the store.
(humming)
Oh, hi Opal.
Jean may even find
another use for her talents.
By combining her knowledge
of art and textiles--
She makes tar-heroin.
She may follow a career
in textile designing.
Let's face it, Jean would
do anything for a buck.
Mm-hmm.
The days are filled with
other interesting classes too.
You would expect to find Kay,
with her interest in teaching--
- I'm getting light-headed.
- Keep going!
But Jean is there too.
To study children's
clothing requirements?
Well, yes, but more than that.
Home economics means
much more than--
What? We have to
be subjugated to men?
The study of everything
that makes up a home,
including those who live there.
The girls learn a lot
from the children--
Are the kids
learning anything?
All habits and attitudes
learned at this age,
are so important in later life.
It's too tight!
It's too tight!
It's calamari,
mmm. (smacking lips)
After all, we
live in a world where
people are more
important than things.
Oh, I don't know.
(peaceful music)
Yes, college is a rich--
It says piggy on the wall.
- Where?
- Over there.
You tell Mom and Dad
about the little events.
One little boy
was just darling.
I really like that class.
And keep the important
stuff to yourself.
- And the big ones, too.
- Oh.
Tonight is the big prom.
- I'm wearing my new--
- Everyone will die.
I will dump pig's
blood on Carrie.
You know, she's
gonna look like
an unmade bed, in that dress.
Each good time that you had,
mingled with the memories
of other good times.
And makes a delicous gravy.
You'll never forget them.
They were the
glittering threads,
woven through the very
pattern of college life.
Here, a little sample
of each of her victims.
That's Bob, and Carl, and Steve.
Being a senior wasn't much
different from being a junior.
Student teaching
was in line for Kay.
But Kay was out of line
with student teaching.
And Jean was
busier than ever,
in her advanced courses
in textils and clothing.
She hasn't left
this room in years.
Helen was deep in studies
on food buymanship, getting her
- money's worth, that is.
- Grocery shopping.
One of the many things
she'll be doing next year--
Let's see 30
grams to an ounce.
Hey, is this raw or refined?
- Sugar.
- And Louise...
Wouldn't you know she'd be in
a household
equipment laboratory.
No, don't give up!
Home economics, starring
Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
What is home economics?
Boy, you'd think they
would've told us by now.
Is it the technical knowledge
of the equipment in a home?
I don't think so.
Or the understanding of how
to create beautiful clothes--
Mmm, no, no, that's not it.
Is it the skill to prepare
an attractive nourishing meal?
- Maybe.
- Or the ability
to teach others
these many things?
Is it for all time,
this feeling of joy?
Home economics is
all these and more too.
To put it another
way, each girl--
- Hey it's Abbey Road.
- Two careers.
Boy, you're gonna
carry that wieght.
One, her chosen specialty.
The other is a
career in homemaking.
(singing) Here we come,
walking down the street.
And so, as a special
part of their training,
the senior girls
actually share--
There are only six seniors?
First of all, the
girls met their adviser,
and decided how they
were going to take turns
at managing all the
household tasks.
Here Carol Bly
explains her principles.
This was no
make-believe situation.
With eight hungry
persons to feed,
Jean would have to
draw on the knowledge
she'd gained in basic courses
in foods and in equipment.
She had to steal from
every grocery store in town,
as part of her hazing.
As for planning
an attractive meal--
Forget it.
That should be
easy for a girl,
with special talent
in color and design.
But no, not for this woman.
Kay too would draw
on her knowledge of
household equipment
and textiles--
K2, the mountain?
To take care of her
turn in the laundry.
Oh no! You put the laundry
in the composting toilet!
(groaning)
Louise, for a few days,
would have the most
envied task in the house.
Sooner or later, everything
and anything you would
learn in your home economics
courses, would prove useful.
(laughing) That's a good one.
And then she said
you're soaking in it.
(laughing)
(peaceful music)
(singing) Let me
call you sweetheart.
Life in the home management
house is very homey.
Somehow you wish
it would never end.
(humming)
And some of the happenings,
you will never forget.
(chuckling)
(whispering)
Don't open the box.
The five pound
party that Beth had--
Five pound potty?
She had a big
breakfast, didn't she?
- I guess so. (laughing)
- My goodness.
(singing) It's a wonderful
world when you're married.
When you have a family.
The days roll by.
And even before school is out,
you have a new topic
of conversation,
getting your first job,
through the placement office.
Meeting with
Helen Gurley Brown.
Yes, Kay, the
teacher placement office
tells me they're getting
requests every day.
Jean, I think this job--
Oh, she's a
quick-change artist.
This will be very
interesting to you.
- Huzzah!
- This letter has just come in,
telling us that
you've been accepted
for your hosipital internship.
You'll be emptying
bed-pans soon.
Yes, Louise would be
happy to accept the position.
- Akiba.
- Hmm?
Graduation...
Hot and saucy, Texas style.
(giggling)
Mom and Dad were
there, of course.
They didn't say much,
but you knew they were pleased--
Estes Kefauver!
They left early.
Some remark about he
sure had earned his diploma.
Dad just doesn't get it.
Jean and Louise
were leaving at once,
for their jobs in the city.
So you all drove down to
the train to see them off.
And to reenact the last
scene from Anna Karenina.
As you stood there
on the platform,
wishing each other the very
best of good fortune...
You know you didn't mean it.
Somehow the talk got
around to that very--
Speaking of wishing
farewell, let's roll.
And then you could
sense that this was
the end of one
chapter in your life--
Chapters the editor
just spiced up a bit.
- I'm coming. I'm coming.
- Better those than waffles.
You wouldn't have missed.
(happy music)
(doors slamming)
Okay, now take it easy.
Whoa, whoa, hold it up.
What I've done was
reprogram the robots
to love waffles as much as I do.
Can you see?
And what we're gonna do
is name some important new uses
for waffles during this segment.
Okay, who's got one?
Easy to read waffles
within large squares,
for the flavor impaired.
That's good, take it easy.
Can I eat them now?
Buckwheat waffles
make an excellent
shammy for cleaning your car.
Dr. Shoals waffle pad?
Yeah, oh yeah.
Oh, okay. Well,
anyway, now careful.
These are just
for demonstration.
It would be too bad if the
robots got too into it.
I've always been a
breakfast man, myself.
You know me.
Crow, we should really be
working on the assignment.
- Yes.
- But these look so good.
What a taste teaser.
What does this
mean Aunt Jemima's
gonna come put a
waffle in Gypsy's hand?
Take it easy.
It would be too
bad if you robots
were unable to
complete your task
because you were too in love
with this big, juicy
stack of yummy nummies.
Crow, Crow, get a grip.
Gypsy, don't you see
what he's trying to do?
Snap out of it, come on!
Remember the waffle ideas.
Waffle dress shield.
Waffle desk organizer.
Come on, work the steps with me!
Hollywood Squares
waffle (unintelligible)
Wally Cox in the secret
square waffle like sweet--
(yelling)
Joel, I tried buddy.
That's okay, Tom.
Can you just give me one?
Okay, acoustic tiles.
- Go ahead, Tom.
- Here comes Tom Servo!
How about a Greek
waffle called the falafel.
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
(chattering)
Put me down.
I was just trying to
get the syrup off you.
Hey look, All My Vikings.
Hey, that's my old
high school yearbook.
Eric's small cigars.
You know what?
People who have
leather-bound books,
they never read them.
The Saga of the Viking Women
and Their Voyage to the Waters
of the Great Sea Serpent
is brought to you by a grant
from the Mobile corporation.
And Dalton Trumbo
as Eric the red.
Dalton? Oh.
With the June Kenney dancers.
Plus Wilfrid Hyde-White,
as the uncredited
cameo appearance.
Oh, bravo.
Wilda Taylor, wasn't
she in Sweet Mud Honey?
Oh, and here's
a couple of guys
from a hearty Norwegian stock.
(laughing)
From a story by
the writer's block.
Oh look, the great
Monroe P. Askins.
All the snooties
are on this page.
Kinda sounds like a
Mazola corn oil commercial.
Corn good, yes.
A Japanese art director? No!
(whispering) It's okay.
Albert Glasser!
Bravo!
Yay!
(clapping)
(whistling)
Albert Glasser,
paging Albert Glasser.
Jack Rabin, foams
at the mouth a lot.
(laughing)
Aww.
(hissing)
I like him.
Corman the barbarian.
Corman the employer.
Mm-hmm
(laughing)
In the days when
the world was young,
Frodo...
And the gods had not yet
abandonded the race of men...
Gildor and Stryder
took Frodo to Rivendell.
The great and
stalwart people.
I'm ashamed to know that.
Smoking rich,
robust pipe tobacco.
Forbidding mountains could
no longer yeild
them a livelyhood.
They bade farewell
to their women.
Bad?
And ventured fearlessly
into the unknown.
But like most
men, they got lost
and refused to ask
for directions.
Three years...
A band of brave women gather,
to decide whether they should
embark on a search
for their men.
- Ah, screw it.
- They cast their votes,
in typical Viking fashion.
I vote we go.
We stay.
- I'll stay, I'm in.
- No.
Yes.
Ooh, I hope they
start wrestling.
Here's Martina, watch
out for that forehand.
Oh, be careful with
that rotator cuff.
The gods have been offended.
It's an omen of disaster.
It's a calamity!
That's enough.
I'm ashamed of the
women of Stonyold.
This was your
proposal, Desir, not ours.
Oh, I think I
found my favorite.
Do you wish to die unloved?
Connie Sellecca?
We cannot go
against our fate.
The gods are angry.
The gods are angry only
at those who cower in fear.
Vikings make their own fate.
And their own apple sauce.
Oh, Vikings always
fade in the second half.
How long has it been since
our men sailed across the sea?
- Two perms ago.
- How long have you
waited on the cold cliffs,
for a sight of their
returning sail?
In vain.
Let's put it this way,
you're starting to
look pretty good to me.
Is it too much to ask
the maidens of Stonyold
to help their people?
Is that so wrong?
if you need an omen...
Let's see, omen,
omen, where'd I put it?
- Look!
- Oh, yeah.
It is balloon!
It's a cloud.
Looks like a bunny.
They need us,
as we need them.
Like a fish needs a bicycle.
(dramatic music)
Now we do lawn darts.
Thyra, you vote to go?
Yet you have no lover over seas.
Am I likely to find one here?
Can I vote again?
I wanna vote again.
Wouldn't a show
of hands be easier?
You must decide for
yourself, little sister.
Little sister, don't you
do what your big sister done.
(dramatic music)
The windup, the pitch...
Triple 19, that's the game.
Wow.
To please her sister,
Asmild will destroy us all.
Her sister's kinda spooky,
isn't she?
Maybe not.
See who's casting
the deciding spear.
It's Kate Bush.
Hounds of love.
How do you think our
dark priestess will vote?
How do you
handle a hungry man?
She hates Desir
and wants her man.
Oh, a southpaw.
Never trust a lefty.
It's a lady of the javelin.
(dramatic music)
You vote to go?
(murmuring)
Well, she's not
coming in my car.
Did you try to do that?
Thank you, Enger.
For making us laugh again.
I want no thanks.
The decision is made.
Come, there's work to be done.
Geepers, I guess we know
who turns the screws, yipes.
(snickering)
Hey, Todd, nice
button collection.
Aren't you glad
she voted to go?
Yes, but why did she do it?
Oh, Ottar, you're
always so suspicious.
He must be 4-F.
I'm glad she's with us.
Looks like a waffle.
Desir, I'm going with you.
No, Ottar.
There's no need for
you to take the risk.
Anyway, you'd never
pass the physical.
I spoke brave words.
But I know we face great danger.
Great Danes?
(humming)
Well, it's a strange day
when Enger the dark
gave the cause of Desir.
What's that supposed to mean?
She had a good idea.
On paper, anyway.
Oh, come my dear.
Don't tell me you'd do
anything to help Desir.
I think I understand.
If at the end of the voyage,
Vedric holds out his arms,
and his flaxen haired beauty
is not there to unfold in them,
perhaps the chief will look
elesewhere for comfort.
Was that an alegory
or an extended metaphor?
Those may be your
thoughts, Dagda,
- but I say nothing.
- She's wearing a lady Timex.
So the Vikings gave
us the under-wire bra.
Gonna see Ms. Liza.
(groaning)
Hey, I just had this dream.
Hmm?
You know, these new prefab
Viking ships are great.
After having
won the spirit jug,
the bulletin board competition
and the skip night,
the plucky girls now will dip
into the float competition.
Just like Iwo Jima.
Oh, wow, man.
And they named the
ship the Andrea what?
Doria, Doria.
Break out the hot
dish, I got bars.
What about the christening?
If this were
reality, they'd still be
waiting for each
other to get ready.
(yelling)
Uh-oh.
This is going well, so far.
(laughing)
Run! Run!
Quick, get that
oar in the water!
You don't have
an oar in the water,
if you know what I mean.
I'm getting it now!
(gurgling)
Come on. Come on.
Come here. Come here.
Come on, get in dummy.
You alright?
Desir, this is hopeless.
We can't handle this
boat with just an oar.
We've go to.
Well, no sense swimming
20 feet back to get it.
Hey, I've got a wild idea.
Let's put on a show.
Oh, they got that
dragon in Tijuana.
(dramatic music)
Albert Glasser at his best.
(yawning)
(coughing)
Say, look at the
prow on that steamer.
Hey, let's climb aboard.
It's not the
size of the boat.
It's the motion of the ocean.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Now you'll be
warm, little sister.
What would I do without you?
Well, you could wear a coat.
Go to sleep.
Do you really think
we'll ever find the men?
Of course we will, Asmild.
That's what these
cruises are for, dear.
Then Vedric will
ask you to marry him.
Yes, he will.
What is it like to love
a man as you love Vedric?
Know what I mean?
Nudge Nudge. Wink. Wink.
What it really means.
Some day you'll know.
He'll give me a
ring of betrothal.
And claim me forever as his own.
As a tax deduction.
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
I'm a bear. I'm a
bog old bear. (growling)
Yeah, this is
getting weird, you guys.
There's a silouette of theater
seats in front of that movie.
Ottar, what are
you doing here?
And you're wearing my things!
What are you doing here?
Starving. Have you
got any extra food?
Yes.
Don't tell the
others I'm here, please.
We're still too close to shore.
They might decide
to take me back.
Todd! Hey, he's
looking up her dress.
Hi, how you doing?
You, know I hate men, don't you?
Isn't Todd just a jerk?
Something
bothering you Thyra?
Oh, I was just
fixing these ropes.
Oh, I thought I heard
you talking to yourself.
I guess I do that sometimes.
Well, see that it stops.
I just wanted another fur.
Well, why don't
you take this one?
These are still
wet from the spray.
I told you to
hang off further.
How long have you been a Viking?
(giggling)
All clear.
Hey, got any rye
crisps? I'm starved.
She gives me the creeps.
You and me both.
Where's the food?
Oh, can I get you a beer too?
Is that all you men think about?
Help yourself.
It's Todd Knotts, as
the reluctant Viking.
Ottar, why did you stow away?
Somebody has to
protect you women.
(kissing sounds)
It's ridiculous
not to have a man
along on a dangerous voyage.
Or at least a patron
of the arts, anyhow.
Ridiculous not to have a man.
- Thyra?
- Hmm?
This kipper stinks.
When I saw you, I
thought it was over for me.
Lucky I recognized
you in time.
I'd have my dagger
in your throat.
Ooh!
I didn't mean that.
It's just that I
didn't think you'd
protect me from Enger
the way that you did.
You've always seemed
so forbidding,
that I've always been
afraid to talk to you.
Kinda like Mom.
There's nothing
to be afraid of.
Come on.
- Get in.
- Get some sleep.
- Good night.
- Tuck me in,
and call me a bad boy, please?
Oh, I can't breathe.
How do bears live in
these things? Gee!
(singing) Go to
sleep, my sweet Todd.
Hey, wait a minute.
(peaceful music)
The women of Green Peace.
Look, it's a monster!
It's a sea serpent!
No, we're whales!
Save us! Save us!
(laughing)
Women, you'd think they
never saw a whale before.
Who let you out of your skin?
They haven't, Ottar.
Not everyone is as
well-traveled as you.
Or as... Oh, never mind.
Get these swords polished.
Stow aways must work
for their passage.
Nevertheless, some day
you'll be glad I came along.
Why must they laugh
at my mighty sword?
Two years before them mast.
(dramatic music)
I'm voguing.
Hmm, it's a big ship.
Nobody will see me doing this.
We think the joke
will be on Sanda.
Oh! (laughing)
Are you hurt?
The yard. The
line must've slipped.
This couldn't have slipped.
I made it fast, myself.
That's why it did slip.
You alright?
Never mind, let's just
get the sail back up.
Look there's a
sale at Penny's.
- Get it?
- Yeah.
I am hot. I turn myself on.
This looks like
a job for Superman.
Wait, she takes the belt off,
but leaves those heavy chains.
That'll sink her to
the bottom, for sure.
Head first.
Person overboard!
Diana Nyad is attempting
to swim the channel again.
Oh, look, it says
S.S. Minnow on it.
Flipper, no!
(dramatic music)
It's okay, just do
what Harvey Mackay says!
Swim with the sharks!
That's a book
reference, isn't it?
Right.
That's not a shark,
it's a rock lobster!
That's a rock
reference, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
We're gonna get a
bigger bait, right?
- You alright?
- That's a movie reference.
Yeah.
Look there!
Oh, no! It's the rinse cycle!
It can't be.
I always thought it
was just a sailor's tale.
But it's true.
(roaring)
Let's get out of here!
Man the oars!
Or woman the oars,
as the case may be.
We're drifting into it!
Huh?
Make a dam, Shawn!
That's what I
thought he said.
And that brochure said
old-world charm, pooey!
Her job was to look ravished.
(mock wind blowing)
Call me Ishmael.
Todd Ishmael.
(laughing)
This is actually pretty
extravegant for Corman.
Yeah, sure is.
I'm your boyfriend now.
(laughing)
Oh, look at their hair.
You can tell the
wind's really blowing.
- Oh, no!
- No!
I'm coming bitty boy!
It can sense
fear, so stay calm.
Oh, it must've
hit the gas tank.
Oh, no.
(screaming)
Ah criminy, what a crappy day.
Well, at least it's
not raining, eh?
(gurgling)
Light the shoe box and
throw it in the toilet.
At 11:15, the old
cook came on deck
and said women it's
been good to know you.
(laughing)
Don't flush!
(gurgling)
By the shores
of Gitche Gumee,
by the shining big sea waters...
Meanwhile in
From Here to Eternity...
(spitting)
I feel gritty.
I'll never drink vodka
from a watermelon again.
I don't know where we are,
but I've got a feeling we're
near the Kennedy compound.
Oh great, it's
a private beach.
Faced again.
Tough surfers.
Mind if we dance
with your dates?
Thanks Todd, good effort.
(laughing)
Pathetic.
Oh, I think he
means to follow him.
I guess so.
(whip cracking)
Who is he whipping?
That Foley guy is just like
way off script, isn't he?
Oh, good. They've washed
up in Monument Valley.
Todd, now get back
in line. Quit clowning.
(laughing)
You little scamp.
This story is
right out of Homer.
And Jethro?
I hate these
dude ranchers, you?
Are you afraid?
I'm too numb to be afraid.
Get captured often?
Live around here?
Of me?
Yes, all they can do is
kill me or make a slave of me.
Either one's fine by me.
I'd like to see them try.
Kirk Douglas and the Viking.
Get up!
Which one of us?
Like I'm almost
sure, this place bites.
These are the guys that
gave us Mongolian stir-fry.
Scum.
They can be handled.
They're only men.
Oh, Gloria Steinem.
(laughing)
Looks like a pump,
feels like a sneaker.
Yonder lies the
castle of my father.
Okay, well, yonder
lies the matte painting
of the castle of my father.
(whip cracking)
Ow!
Those were just for fun.
Those were for me.
That was way off
script, on those.
(humming)
I love these walking scenes.
And speaking of walking, gang...
Yeah.
Forget that guy.
He's not in that movie.
(whip cracking)
Ooh!
They can do such good things
with walking scenes though.
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
Waffles.
(alarm buzzing)
(yelling)
(doors grinding)
- Oh, hi.
- You okay?
I just did a
really nutty thing,
with Cambot, about waffles.
Are they meeting
their mothers already?
He's got a sweaty back.
Well, he's been sitting
in the saddle all day.
(dramatic music)
Hey!
You're gonna stay
at the Red Roof Inn,
whether you like it or not!
Oh, no, they're being forced
to attend the
renaissance festival.
Would you look at
the prices in here,
just for a
continental breakfast.
This is a very
impressive buidling,
for these heathens
to have built.
Maybe they didn't.
- What do you mean?
- They're renting.
Vikings built this,
not those savages.
Vikings have never
been in this land.
We'd have heard it
sung in the sagas.
Only if they came back.
To Brylcreem.
(dramatic music)
Hello, I'm the concierge.
Oh, sorry about the costume.
Corman's poodle died and he
doesn't like to waste anything.
I am Inspector Clouseau,
I want to see Todd.
I could never
quite get over that
breakup of Sonny and Cher.
Hello, girls!
No.
Yes.
(growling)
You! What's the
fifth general order?
Mmm, Oil of Olay.
Oh, dear, dear, split ends.
Clip those and try
a hot oil treatment, dear.
You, well, never mind.
- Whoa.
- Keep your filthy hands
off of her, you
big slobbering dog.
Ottar, be careful
of these animals.
If you only understood
a civilized tongue,
I'd tell you some
things, you big slob.
And what would you tell me?
I would say that you're
actually a nice slob. (laughing)
You speak our language.
A few words I learned
from some of your countrymen.
Were they men of Stonyold?
Did their craft bear
the dragon shield?
I really don't know.
And I don't really care.
This happens to all
craft that enter our waters.
They're swalloed by the vortex.
Destroyed by the great beast.
Oh, god, your
hair smells good.
- Some were saved?
- A handful.
Who? Who was saved?
What were their names?
Well, let's see, a guy
named Jeff, and Murry,
oh, and a really fun
guy named Chopper.
Ah, Senya, my son.
Freddie Mercury?
Father, the
horns have sounded
the boar hunt, twice already.
When are you coming?
Soon. Soon, Senya.
Soon, Senya.
Gee, you're a queer old duck.
As you see, we have visitors.
Are these the new slaves?
Guests, guests, my boy.
They'll ride with
us on the boar hunt.
But they're women!
Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.
Women...
I know someone who could use
a little hostility counseling.
Viking women, my boy.
They're not like other women.
They make great waffles.
- We'll have great sport.
- For breakfast.
Mm-hmm.
(mock growling)
Ottar, look at his arm.
That's Vedric's bracelet.
Visitors don't come
to our shores very often.
In the off-season.
We'd be happy to
have your company,
on our boar hunt.
But perhaps you're too tired,
from your long journey.
Vikings are never tired.
We rule!
When do we start?
- Immediately.
- If not sooner.
We accept with pleasure.
Do I bring you
pleasure? (laughing)
I'll order the horses.
- Of courses.
- Zarko...
Nice going, Todd
over there. I like that.
Ottar, why in the name of...
It'll be much
easier to find out
what's going on
inside that cave,
with them busy at the hunt.
(horn music)
(mocking music)
Unleash the dogs!
Both of them!
Bring the pooper-scooper.
And coming around
the clubhouse turn,
it's Apartment-house
with plenty of room.
And Girdle in the stretch.
Bird poop on the track.
And coming up the
rear is Beetle-bomb.
Hey, it's the dogs
from Teenage Caveman.
(mocking horns blowing)
It's bronco
Todd, to the rescue!
Yee-hoo!
Hyo!
Oh, how appropriate,
a boar in a Corman film.
(giggling)
(barking)
It's Arnold. Run Arnold!
(mock horse sounds)
Looks like Mr. Ziffle got
drunk, and painted Arnold.
(snorting)
(yelling)
Ow!
(laughing)
(mocking horns blowing)
Oh, my back.
Oh, Daddy, I
don't wanna hunt.
I wanna be a poet, a
singer, a dancer, an actor.
(mock crying) Ow,
it's on my butt.
(snorting) You want fame?
Well, fame costs. And here's
where you start paying.
I thought that little
piggy went to market.
He stayed home, obviously.
Oh, I tore my shirts.
Help me, please!
I'm being attacked
by a ham sandwich!
(squealing)
Come on, squeal
like Ned Beatty.
Oh, look at this.
Corman got his shot,
catered the crew,
and got costume for Teenage
Caveman, all in one bit.
- A girl!
- Ooh!
A girl had to save
a Grimolt warrior?
My father will never forgive me.
Would you rather have
been killed by the boar?
Besides, what's
so terrible about
a girl being a good hunter?
But you don't understand.
I'm a prince!
A live prince.
No, according to Grimolt law,
I'll be banished
from my country,
in complete disgrace!
Why didn't you mind
your own business!
It's Carol Channing.
Oh that's a lovely
pantsuit you're wearing.
Alright.
Here, you killed the
boar with that spear.
Oh, wait, what about the
spear that's in the boar?
Continuity.
Senya, where did you
get this bracelet?
From a
yellow-haired captive--
- Ramfest.
- Why?
Where is he? Is he alive?
Are there more than one?
Someone's coming.
Leave me alone.
I'll harm you.
Is this how a prince
repays his gratitude?
Alright, come
to my room later,
and I'll tell you
as much as I can.
But don't get caught, or
we'll both be in trouble.
My father forbids me
to talk to people.
Thanks, Pam,
you're a real pip.
Give it up for my posse!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Senya, are you alright?
- I'm fine, Father.
- I'm fabulous.
What did you expect?
(screaming)
Oh, sorry.
Senya, you killed a boar!
Oui, I did do that thing.
My son is a mighty hunter!
To the victor!
Three cheers for
captain Spalding.
(cheering)
(lively music)
Oh, it's a Theta Chi party.
Groovy tunes.
Hey, look, where's Tony Martin?
He's gotta be around
here somewhere.
Hmm.
Isadora Duncan, tonight
at the Viking lodge.
Sounds like the
Rocky Show music.
(humming)
Senator, no!
You know, I
really envy women,
how they can dance
my themselves,
or with each other at a party,
and no one gives it a
second thought, you know.
I have to spend half the night
working up the courage
to ask a girl to dance,
and then if she rejects me,
I have to make
that shameful walk,
back across the room.
Then I get so depressed I just--
Joel. Joel. Joel.
Get a grip.
Have a waffle or something,
for crying out loud.
Could I get that
extra dressing I ordered?
Hey, my food! Hey, I'm
trying to eat over here!
Your feet smell like Fritos.
She's got a great act, really
knows how to work a table.
(grumbling) Now dessert.
(screaming)
Thanks. Good night.
Enjoy the buffet. (burping)
Carry-out.
Hey, come on over here.
Try a little of my
big tankard of beer.
Ah, come on.
Come on, try a potato
skin. They're great!
You have decaf, right?
You know what this
scene's making me hungry for?
- Me too.
- Waffles. Waffles.
Mmm.
(humming)
I gotta go. Excuse me.
I would like to
test the strength
of the great Viking women.
Me too.
I think it is a fraud.
Here, girl. Set this down.
Isn't that the pot
calling the kettle black?
You cad...
We're even now.
You're on your own.
(laughing)
I am Sprite of the
forest, friend to Oberon.
Merl Oberon, actually.
(laughing)
It's Blaze versus Weeny-man,
on American Gladiators.
It's actually Over the Top,
with Sly Stallone.
(groaning)
(laughing)
Okay, this one's for waffles.
Aren't you glad
you used Dial?
Don't you wish everybody did?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
You're harming me!
I don't believe it.
Enough!
You were adopted.
There is no need for any
contest with these women.
They are our slaves,
to do with as we please.
Oh, can we discuss art
and literature with them?
You, young man, are going
on a Robert Bly weekend.
(knocking)
Oh, it must be Thanksgiving.
- Oh, no, Jehovah's Witnesses.
- Hey, the floor-show started.
(dramatic music)
Great choreography.
He likes to hop.
Weee!
How about a little
fire, Scarecrow?
This is Todd, recreating
the role of Biff,
from West Side Story,
thank you very much.
Escape to the fitting room!
I fooled them.
Ah!
Joel?
What does this have
anything to do with waffles?
- I don't get it.
- Beats me.
L'Eggo my Eggo!
Oh, that's what has
to do with waffles.
Gob on him!
Dribble spit in his face!
(hocking)
Here's dessert, Krumkake.
(splashing)
Well, little man,
you seem to have a
taste for fighting.
I'll show you some Vikings
who have lost that desire.
Like Tarkenton,
he's kinda old.
And Rashad, he's got a
broadcasting career now.
Looks like they're
on a class field trip.
I used to love class
field trips, you know.
When I was a kid, you know,
one time I got sick
and I couldn't go.
The biggest day of
school of the year,
and I couldn't go.
(whistling)
They went up to the Gardner's
Soft-Twist bread factory.
(snoring)
And they they toured--
Joel, have a
waffle, will you?
- Shape up.
- Something chewy.
Jiminy.
You okay?
(whip cracking)
Ah, that's just
because I can.
Nice guard. Real
young guy there.
I love these walking scenes.
Oh, we missed
the Dead concert.
We try to amuse our guests.
But they're not always
grateful for our efforts.
Fortunately, that was
not one of your people.
He was with the Donner party.
The Richard Donner party.
Threw a bash for the
Lethal Weapon cast.
(laughing)
Oh, it's sculpture
class, look.
And they're doing
life studies there.
Studio arts.
Oh, Vedric.
Desir, are you real?
Brassiere?
Are you a dream?
Mary, Mary,
don't you know me?
They're slaves but they
do have to shave, look.
My love.
Yoman.
Yeoman?
Swaive!
Suede?
Oh, great! It's
an Abba reunion.
I was wondering.
Hey, how about a little
sugar for the Todd monster, hmm?
Come on.
I'm raven-haired and bitter.
My darling, what
have they done to you?
It doesn't matter.
You're here now.
Oh, jeez, he's a nice
well-groomed young man.
Quite touching, isn't it?
Separate them!
Colors in one pile
and whites in the other!
Cold water wash.
Alright, come on.
Conjugal visit is
over. Come with me.
Hey, wait!
She's just a friend.
We talk on the phone and stuff.
I smell a rat,
a big Viking rat.
So you scorn me.
Yet you're in the
arms of a slave.
- He's not a slave.
- He's a really nice guy.
Vedric is a warrior,
leader of the Stonyold.
The lives given to me by the
great serpent of
the vortex are mine.
Remember that. Mine!
Take your hands off her!
You damned dirty ape.
It's a pity many
do not live long.
Then men, that is.
But the women, now
they're quite different.
They live as long as
their beauty pleases me.
Enough time wasted.
Separate them.
Back to work!
Come on, people,
break's over.
You're on the clock.
No! No!
(singing) No! No!
No! No! No! No! No!
I belong with the men too.
(mumbling) The
living room, you see.
It's only $450 a month,
plus damage deposit.
It's uncommon
Viking and others.
Hmm?
Tomorrow we'll talk further.
But don't feel neglected.
Already, my men are fighting
amongst themselves
for the prizes.
We'll never
submit to savages.
Never.
Once you've known
a Grimolt warrior...
You'll never go
back to the other kind.
You'll soon forget
the pale Viking slave.
But for tonight,
we're going to let you rest.
So you'll be worthy
mates for my men.
Oh, and there's
some cold chicken
and Colby in the fridge.
Oh, and some seafood
salad from By-o-peas.
Eat that up. It's
going to spoil.
I like the tall,
gangly one, myself.
If our men were
forced to yield,
what can we do?
We'd better
think of something.
I'd rather die than let
one of those men touch me.
Speak for yourself.
Poor Ottar.
- Shelley Fabares?
- He went to such lengths
to prove himself a man.
We're not beaten yet.
We know that our men are alive.
And somehow we'll
be together again.
Don't know where.
Don't know when.
We must find a way to get
to them and help free them.
But how?
I don't know.
But we've got to find a way.
Let's put on a show!
That window.
Hey.
Oh, Desir, nobody
can get through there.
I can get through.
Let me try.
Okay, Mary Anne.
Oh, come on. Delta Burke
could fit through that window.
Got it.
Oh, my pelvis. It's locked.
And since that day they
saved us from the vortex,
we haven't even seen
the light of the sun.
Have you tried to escape?
No, the Grimolts
captured us when we were
exhausted from the battle
with the great serpent.
When we regained
our strength,
we tried to escape but--
The sun was in our eyes.
For every attempt,
Stark put two of our
number to the sword.
And he mercilessly
shaved them.
Two chosen by lot.
A man won't risk the
life of his companion,
just to save his own.
We must try again.
We can't leave our women in
the hands of those beasts.
We must escape somehow.
Gilligan! Gilligan!
Shh! Whisper.
Do you think she'll make it?
- She will.
- Doubtful.
Oh! Nothing...
(humming)
(whistling)
We weren't doing anything.
Oh, it's the three
witches from Macbeth.
Hey, give me
a little of that.
(laughing) Troma presents
Reform School Viking Girls.
It's Buddy Ebsen!
Hey.
What's going on in here?
Forget this action.
I'm going outside and check
on the Teenage Caveman set.
Well, you swing your
partner, swing your fists,
pull her hair and break
her wrists. Promenade.
Well, did anybody get
the key in any of that?
You alright?
I'm alright.
Man, what do we have to
do to get fed around here?
Wrestle a fat hag?
Hmm?
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
(chains rattling)
Could you make a
little bit more noise?
Were there any other guards?
I didn't see any.
Later. Later.
Oh, look, they're
gonna play croquette.
Let's go.
Take these clown
hammers and follow me.
I'll take your spear.
You don't mind do
you? Thank you.
(snoring)
Not a chest hair among them.
- Except on her.
- Hello Cleveland!
Rock and roll!
Hey, let's stop
by Janet Johnson's.
See if she wants
to go out, okay?
Hmm?
And it's another great
Roger Corman walking scene.
Let me scout ahead.
Yeah, I'm trying
to impress my girl.
Go ahead, see if
you can hit the bell.
Hey, does
anybody got a shirt?
Boys in the hood.
(yelling)
Come on girls!
You know what these exciting
Roger Corman action
scenes make me hungry for?
Let me guess. Belgian--
No, let me say it, Crow.
Waffles!
Aw, Joel, he
ruined it for me.
- I wanted to say waffles.
- Waffles. Waffles.
Waffles. Waffles.
Waffles. Waffles.
Come on, knock
it off, you two.
Stop it, hey, hey.
If you don't be quiet,
nobody's getting a waffle.
Actually, I'm more in the
mood for some French toast.
Oh, Crow, what
the heck does this
have to do with French toast?
Jiminy.
What does it have
to do with waffles?
What does it have
to do with anything?
Waffle?
Oh, Dad he knocked me
down and it hurt and stuff.
(horn music)
(mocking horn music)
Ha! Eat it boy, eat it!
Oh boy, they're getting
their butts kicked.
Boy, the Vikings really
stink this year, huh?
Yeah, every time they make
it to the Bowl, they choke.
Yep, yep, yep.
So...
Well, what do you think
of your noble Vikings now?
Well, we're in denial.
We think they're great.
Oh, Desir, what have I done?
It's not your fault.
You did your best.
But I guess your best
just wasn't good enough.
We are betrothed
to these men.
We've come across the
sea for love of them.
Such courage speaks
of great love, indeed.
I wonder how great it really is?
Oh, how would you know?
You're dressed like Snoopy.
What would you
actually do for love?
Beware of him, Desir.
Anything he says
will be a trick.
I'm not afraid of him.
My love for you is
equal to any test.
- Even an S.A.T?
- Is it?
I wonder.
Tomorrow we'll see.
Idiots, they thought
they could escape.
Why are you wearing
a tiara, my son?
Don't you know that
all Grimolts are under
the protection of the great
serpent, god of the vortex?
Devourer of our enemies!
Wow, look at that. Huh?
- Oh, it's a puppet?
- A sock puppet.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess we'll just
have to take your word for it.
Enough!
Return them to the caves.
But for Fran Tarkenton
and the Minnesota Vikings,
there would come another day.
Oh, what a day, am I beat.
I'm flat-out tired.
I still have to stay up
and work on my novel.
So this is my reward for
warning you of their plans?
No, but we do have
some lovely parting gifts.
Tell her about it, Johnny!
You're not
keeping your promise.
You said I could stay up
and watch Love American Style.
You really want her killed?
No, I really wanna
direct, actually.
She's very desirable.
No more than I, surely.
She finds herself more
desirable? What gives?
You are indeed beautiful.
And you're really hairy.
- Take that thing off.
- But you don't deceive me.
It's the pale-skinned
giant you want.
- Mr. Clean?
- Larry Bird?
True. I want him.
But...
Any port in a storm.
Only for a whim.
A crazy, madcap,
whirlwind spree.
But he won't have you.
He loves Desir.
I like to pan-fry.
(rim shot)
When she's
gone, he'll forget.
Time for the Jerry Lucas,
Harry Lorayne memory system.
You're a strange
woman, dark one.
Oh, you're
wearing a shag rug,
and you think she's strange?
I'm useful to
you, great Stark.
I can be useful again.
- Coochie coo!
- Let me go to him.
Check me for nits.
It would be great sport,
to see him tempted.
By the fruit of another.
Tell you what, let's
go get a rug doctor,
and a couple of bottle
of wine, what do you say?
Class ring? Does this
mean we're going steady?
I'm gonna go
tell the pep squad.
Senior girls are gonna
be cheesed.
Roger, this is
God. Pick up the pace.
Why don't they
just fire this guy?
For crying out loud.
(snoring)
Looks okay. Backstage pass,
access to all areas, okay.
She's with the band.
You know I think she
way over-accessorizes.
Mm-hmm.
Now here's another
great walking scene.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Yep, pretty much.
(snoring)
Oh, it's raining men.
He looks okay. This
one's kinda small.
Oh, look at this one.
He's perfect.
Football practice!
Shh.
It's dangerous
for you to be here.
Perhaps, but
it doesn't matter.
I would dare more for you.
What? Huh?
Vedric, I can help you.
We can go back home.
- James Arness.
- No, no. Peter Graves.
Oh, yeah.
And the others?
It would be too difficult.
Best to forget them.
He's kinda stoic
for a Swede, isn't he?
They're my people.
I couldn't leave without them.
Vedric, you're
chief of the Stonyold.
- I know.
- But you can't help
your people unless you escape.
We can start a new life.
In Argentina.
We? Together?
Come with me, Vedric.
By dawn we'll be far,
far away and safe.
Enger, I remember
you as a child.
I liked you better then.
Always you were
head-strong and impatient.
Unless you had your own way.
Especially if you
drank co*ke in the morning.
True.
But I've grown in many ways.
Insert comment here.
(giggling)
I'm a woman now, Vedric.
- I know.
- I know.
A beautiful woman.
I've much to offer a man.
Hey, you're preaching
to the converted, honey.
That's true.
And some day I hope you will
chose a worthy warrior--
Or a happy warrior.
I've already chosen one.
My love belongs to another.
You know that.
Vedric, I'm
offering you your life.
My name is Hershel.
Without Desir, there
is no life for me.
Without a brassiere?
No, no, no.
Fool!
Smart Vikings, foolish
choices, today on Geraldo.
- Brave words...
- I'll say.
are easy to say now.
We'll see what they
will be tomorrow.
Well, I gotta get back
to the dorm before curfew.
Come on, guys.
Waffles?
(doors slamming)
(groaning)
Boy, am I full.
I ate too much.
I'm beginning to think the world
would be a better
place without waffles.
No waffles?
Who are you?
Why I'm Willy the Waffle,
the wonderful, whimsical,
wisecracking waffle.
Can I ask you one question?
Sure.
Who the hell
are you to decide
who lives and who dies?
Did you know that the
nation's brunch industry
employs over 500.000 people?
Most of them name Chad.
Hi, welcome to Joe
Joe Waffle Berries.
Our waffle special today
is gaming force waffle,
with Jack sauce, we also have.
Sorry, Chad, we
have to lay you off.
No waffles! (whistling)
Little league
baseball would also
be impossible without waffles.
(clearing throat)
Mom, little league
practice in is an hour.
Can I have some waffles?
Sorry, son, no
waffles. (whistling)
Nice read there, Joel,
that was really nice.
Most importantly,
do you think communism
and the Soviet Union would
have ever been dismantled
if it weren't for waffles?
Come on, what a...
Hey, hey, the
coup is a success.
All we do now is
honor Boris Yeltsin,
and the crowd in Red
Square are eating waffles.
We'll never crush them now.
That's right,
the Russian people,
maple syrup stain on
Gorbachev's forehead,
spells one thing.
Freedom. (whistling)
Oh come one,
you guys, please.
I was just being ironic.
You guys waffles so much,
here have some of
mine, I've got plenty.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm kinda full.
I'm not really into waffles.
(singing) Da Da
Dat Da Dum-Dum Boing!
Come on, Tom, we've
got a party to go to.
Woo!
(humming)
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
No waffles. (whistling)
You're such a spaz, Crow.
No place to sit,
no movie. (whistling)
Cut it out.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
Do you mind turning
down those torches?
My electric bill is sky high.
Kill them.
- Kill them both.
- Didn't go well did it?
I want to see them die.
You are one freaky chick.
Grant me this, great Stark.
You'll never regret it.
It's like buying
a good wool coat.
How about a little hair of
the dog that bit you? Ruff!
He does know how to put
on the dog, doesn't he.
And afterwards, I'll let
you prove your gratitude.
You can send me one of those
cute little Hallmark cards.
(dramatic music)
Picnic.
Looks like they're about
to become a Swedish casserole.
A hot dish, alright.
Oh, and it's festival
seating. I hate that.
I'm curious to test the
strength of this noble love.
I'm curious as to why
you dressed like Scooby Doo.
You shall have
the honor of lighting
the holy sacrificial fire,
to appease the storm god.
As for the lovers themselves,
our Grimolt gods
are compassionate.
They demand no more
than one sacrifice.
Which of you will it be?
Let it be me.
No! No, take me!
One of you will come out
of the fiery choice alive.
Whoever begs for life
first will go unharmed.
- Sounds fair.
- The other one dies.
Mm-hmm, pretty much.
Senya, light the fire.
Senior?
Dad, I'm so hot I
don't need a match.
Nice dance pelvis.
Thanks, Bernice.
I'm the god of hell
fire. (laughing)
(dramatic music)
I'll never
confide in you again.
As long as you're gonna
die, can I have your earrings?
Senya!
Well, she did pull
a thorn from my paw.
Oh, what the heck.
Oh, it's the opening
from Mission Impossible.
(humming Mission
Impossible theme)
Shh.
Hey, let's see how long.
(dramatic music)
(mocking dramatic music)
There's still time.
The first to plead for
life will go unharmed.
Okay! (blubbering)
No, take me.
Release her.
No! No!
My life will only
be meaningless!
- More meaningless.
- Free him. I will stay.
Hmm, perhaps I should shave.
Desir, I beg
you, speak to him.
Save yourself.
Without you, death
is welcome, my beloved.
What did she say?
- Speak!
- I didn't catch that.
Gain your freedom!
I'll understand! I swear it!
I couldn't.
He's all choked up.
Even though my tongue
be torn from its roots.
- Oh, gross!
- Yuck!
(dramatic music)
Couple of Swedish
meatballs, coming right up.
Oh, an Imogene Coca reunion.
Oh, it's horrible.
Todd makes his move.
Ooh. (sniffing) Ooh.
If you love me,
speak Vedric, please!
(barking)
Now sit.
(thunder booming)
Ah, Gamera!
Oh, well you know, cripes,
we need the rain, you know.
- Good for the crops.
- Goodbye, my love.
Not goodbye.
Auf wiedersehen.
We'll be together
forever, in Valhala.
Yeah, whatever.
(dramatic music)
(growling)
(groaning)
I'm Spunky the warrior boy!
- Woo!
- Ha!
Man, the Todd monster
is one hyper kid.
- He hurts others.
- Mm-hmm.
Too much sugar.
Ouch, ouch.
Todd gets his butt
whipped every time.
You'd think he'd learn.
Okay, class, let's review
Corman's technique once again.
Okay, here's a shot
of the two kids.
A shot of the creepy girl.
Mm-hmm.
There's a shot of Hershel.
I'm with you.
A shot of Abby Dalton.
Hi, Abby.
And another shot
of the creepy girl.
(whistling)
And there's a shot with
the kid and the creepy girl.
The creepy girl.
Oh, creepy girl!
Shh.
It's a sin to let them die.
You change rapidly, dark one.
Well, that's my prerogative.
Once the sacrificial
fires have been lighted,
the gods demand their victim.
(thunder booming)
You see?
Already, the storm god licks
his lips at the coming feast.
The storm god sits quietly
with his napkin in his lap.
Num num num.
Your gods are false!
Well, your
eyelashes are false.
I want a closeup, damn it.
You're no god to me, mister.
Hey, is it's the
Land O'Lakes girl.
You know if you fold--
- Shh!
- Oh...
Thunderbolt, listen
to thy priestess,
who has been led astray by
the spirit of the flesh.
Grant me the
serenity to accept--
Show these
infidels thy power.
(thunder booming)
Whoa!
Hey, she's got a real
knack for this kind of thing.
Gods of the Vikings,
protect your children,
in their hour of need.
Is that us?
Yeah, pretty much.
Unleash thy thunder bolt...
- Connie Edison.
- Great Thor.
You know, isn't that just it?
Every time you try
to have a barbecue,
it's either raining or your
neighbor's mowing the lawn.
Yeah, yeah.
And here it comes.
Cast upon these
savage unbelievers
the curse of the Stonyold.
(thunder booming)
Make them have
bad haircuts too.
Let's call is a day, Carl.
The tournament
official is coming out.
He's checking the
court conditions.
And the match is called.
Good thing I
re-shingled my hat.
Come here, you nasty old god!
I'll harm you!
(thunder booming)
Ooh!
Oh, the pain, the pain.
Ah, cripes, I'm gonna
need a new son now.
Senya?
Smell me?
My son?
Hail Dorothy. The wicked
witch is dead. Hail Dorothy.
Hey, could you
guys be pallbearers?
Kill them!
Kill all of them!
Their lives for
the life of my son!
She really got
under your skin,
didn't she, Mr. Kaplan?
- Come on, hurry.
- A movie reference, hmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
No waffles though.
Ow.
- Ow.
- That stings.
Ooh, good move.
Okay, give me
those moon boots.
They're mine. Give them back.
(dramatic music)
Ah, Aikiba.
Wow, the classic
Mannix disarm.
With a solo Karate chop.
Quickly, kill me
and be done with it.
- I hate the smell of wet wool.
- Yeah.
I have no desire
to kill you, Stark.
That would require emotion.
We only wish
to leave in peace.
Or peas.
Okay.
Oh, gee, he's
dressed like Cher again.
They killed H.R. Pufnstuf!
No!
Another classic
walking scene.
This time, up hill.
My son.
I love my dead gay son.
You'll not enter
the fire-land alone.
It's Doug Henning's
world of illusion.
The sword.
Would someone like
to examine this sword?
It's an ordinary sword,
perfectly normal in every way.
Remember to poke
a few holes in him,
so he doesn't explode.
(groaning)
The woman.
I thought you
brought the woman.
I thought you brought her.
Oh, here she is.
Hey, wait a
minute, who's that?
- No!
- I don't remember her.
Oh, no. Oh, wait
(screaming)
- Hey!
- Oh, that's it.
I want you to take
back the night, Desir.
Hey, you put the
wrong one in the fire.
You're supposed to put
the dead one in there.
Well, son, you've
got a hot chick
waiting for you
in the afterlife.
(laughing) Hot chick...
I'd say that was pretty lame.
No, I meant a hot chick.
Your death will be avenged.
On your tomb, I swear.
Tomb? He was just cremated.
There are bars and punch
in the fellowship hall.
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
Come on teen gang.
Woo.
Oh, no, Dog-man is gonna
pull a Pharaoh on them.
Let's go form the
new Christy Minstrels.
Yep, Teenage
Caveman set, for sure.
I think this is
the way to the sea.
But I'm not sure.
The word is the law.
And the law is the word.
Thank you Frank DiColo.
Maybe I can see it
again, wait here for me.
You're gonna
trust whipping boy?
Laughing boy.
(barking)
Why are they
barking like dogs?
I don't know.
(singing) Climb
every mountain.
(barking)
Oh, come on, that's the
exact tree from Teenage Caveman.
The law is the
word and the word--
Oh, shut up!
(barking)
Oh, there are dogs, look.
Mighty Jack is the beast.
(barking)
He's springy.
That's the way to the sea.
They're following
our trail with dogs.
Quickly!
Not too quickly though.
Corman still needs
to pad the film out.
It's the Doberman
gang. (laughing)
The doggonest gang...
They're barking.
Everybody's barking.
They are barking,
for crying out loud.
Jeez.
Oh, he's got
dog tags on, great.
They really know how to
put on the dog, don't they.
I just don't understand
cross country.
She's lagging behind.
What's Serina
got up her sleeve?
Come on, Rosie Ruiz.
Well, she's leaving
a trail of jewelry.
Dogs can't smell jewelry.
Unless their
Sammy Davis' dogs.
Oh...
(barking)
(sniffing)
Scat.
Oh, Wilbur.
(horse sounds)
Which way, boss?
Rooby Roo!
Now to change into
my Batgirl costume.
(barking)
See all the nipples
on that dog?
Mm-hmm, count them.
Longer boats are
coming to win us.
If we're strong
enough to man it.
Or woman it.
We'll have to use
Todd as a sea anchor.
It's Where's Enger,
the wacky new comedy
this fall, on ABC.
(barking)
Roo! You dropped your
bracelet, lady. Roo!
(screaming)
Bad dog! Bad! No!
Fluffy! Puff! No, bad dogs!
Oh, they licked her to death.
- Mmm.
- I know.
She gave her life to save us.
All the evil things
I said about her...
- Take them back.
- What do you say
about a 21 year
old girl who died?
- She loved Mozart.
- So shall they all.
All the Vikings pay
for the life of my son.
Dee Snider.
Grimolt!
Quickly, there's
no time to lose.
And no time to figure
out how we saw all that.
Hey, gang, let's hit the
beach and rent some canoes!
Oh, I knew this would end up
looking like a
beach party movie.
(humming)
Tonight on music
through the night,
the Ride-em Cowboy
suite, by Albert Glasser.
(humming)
Now this time
don't lose the rudder.
(mocking horn music)
Todd, you spoil everything!
You're the Gilligan
of this trip.
Whoa, look at him. He's fast.
(dramatic music)
(mocking music)
Good one, Todd.
Oh, it's just Deborah
Kerr and Burt Lancaster.
Hold me.
Hug me.
Hold on.
(mocking music)
Hey, quit splashing!
Hey! Ow!
I'm Todd the Baptist.
(gurgling)
I hate you! I hate
you! I hate you!
Oh, sorry about your boss.
Was he important to you?
(yelling)
Wait, we can't
go in the water yet.
We ate less than an hour ago.
Who knows the
Hawaii Five-0 song?
♪ Yummy Yummy!
Digga Digga Bowlful!
♪ You catchem...big big flavor
♪ Oceans of energy
(humming) Heya. Heya.
They'll never catch up!
They're two sound-stages away!
Come on, get in, Dummy.
You're the bravest
of all the Vikings.
Todd's the littlest Viking.
Lay your weight into it!
We'll never escape them!
I swear they won't
harm you, Asmild.
(singing) End,
end, end the film.
Get it off the screen.
Hurry, hurry, hurry,
we're all about to scream.
(screaming)
The vortex!
Voltech?
Valve-tech?
Do you wanna make more money?
Sure, we all do.
Thank you, Sally.
There's no time to avoid it!
Rock the boat.
Don't rock the boat.
Don't tip the boat over.
Take his men to hell with us.
(wind blowing)
Vedric's right!
Hey, Culligan man.
(dramatic music)
Quick! Throw it in reverse!
- Yuck.
- Ugh.
The wet head is dead.
(roaring)
(smacking lips)
Ah, forget it, I
don't like white meat.
Too white. Too bland.
Palmolive, you're
swimming in it.
Ooh.
(dramatic music)
May Thor look
kindly on our souls.
What are you Gregory
Peck all of a sudden?
(dramatic music)
Well, I'm glad we're not
headed back towards work.
Look at all the traffic
going the other way.
(whistling)
(roaring)
(singing) The Bob
Clampett Cartoon.
(laughing)
(roaring)
I believe the term is up
a creek without a paddle.
Uh-oh.
Weeeee! Weeeee!
Cool climb, not again!
Ooh!
(screaming)
You kids quit
splashing in the tub.
- Boy is that fakie.
- Yeah.
Neat.
(roaring)
I've had it with you kids!
I'm dead. Good
night. May God bless.
Mm-hmm.
(singing) I cannot
stay I must be going.
Hate to eat and run. (chuckling)
Oh, it's the
Princeton scouting team.
(bird calls)
You know, this
home economics film
really took a weird turn
somewhere along the line.
It sure did.
Kiss me by the
matte painting.
Num num num num.
He's got hair now.
Hmm?
(peaceful music)
Time to breed
the master race.
We'll make some great
tennis players some day.
The end.
- Now waffles?
- No more movie.
(whistling)
Oh, waffles.
I love waffles. Yay!
(doors slamming)
Waffles! Waffles!
Waffles! Waffles!
Join us, everybody.
Come on Cambot,
gimme triple berry.
(fast piano music)
Serve me up another, please.
Top mine off
with runny cheese!
Chili waffles suit me fine!
Wash me down
with Aunt Jemima?
What do you think, sirs?
Let's face it,
sticky fingers.
Waffles are nothing more than
a vehicle for butter and syrup.
(laughing)
What?
- They are not!
- Just shut up!
Hey, you watch your
mouth about waffles!
(laughing) I got you!
Now, Frank, I want
you to set this up
so they get a
high-voltage shock,
every time someone says waffle.
(laughing)
Why? Has someone been
saying waffles a lot?
(zapping)
(screaming)
(Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music)
But you don't understand!
I'm a prince!
